Being a parent to a preschooler comes with its own set of challenges, and one common hurdle is when your child is scared to sleep alone in their room. Don’t worry, you’re not alone in facing this situation.
First, I want you to know that fear of the dark is a very common challenge at this age, and can occur even if the child was never afraid of the dark before. And one of the main causes is that the child is growing and developing in their pre-frontal cortex in exciting ways. This growth leads to the development stage of “Object Permanence”, where children start to realize that things can exist even if they can’t see them. Just know that it doesn’t have to be that a child saw something scary or you did something that “caused” this new fear.
Below are some tips on how you can help your child get through the fear of sleeping alone. Many of these tips will work whether your child is 4 or 5, or 8, 9 or 10.
Give your child a feeling of control by solving as man problems as possible
Do they want a second night light? A flashlight so they can see anywhere easily if they needs to? Maybe the transition out of your bed could be helped by putting one of Mom or Dad’s shirts on a teddy bear so they can snuggle it and smell you. Is there a special toy or stuff animal that the child could sleep with that would help? Giving these options is meant to increase the child’s sense of control because research tells us our fears are often fueled by feeling out of control in a situation.
Zenanimals is another great option. It is a small animal that offers guided meditations. You child can even turn it back on in the middle of the night if they wake up, to calm themselves.
Teach your child how to calm their mind
As all of us experience as humans, a lot of problems can be completely mind based. Here is a wonderful opportunity to teach your child how to calm their mind.
Remind them that they controls their thoughts
Have a kind and firm attitude of “We have solved all the challenges. Now it’s your job to remind your heart and mind that you are safe, and your room is just as wonderful at night as it feels in the day.”
Addressing “What if…” thoughts
If they are struggling with scary “What if..” thoughts, you can discuss ways to “change the channel” on those thoughts. Something like, “You know what’s cool about our thoughts? We have the power to shift to NEW thoughts, just like we can switch to a new show on the TV or new song on Spotify. You simply think of the new thought, and focus on that. You can shift to telling yourself a story, or replaying a recent cartoon you watched, or singing a song to yourself that you love to dance to.”
Teach Them How to Calm Their Body
Many children (and adults) don’t realize that fear can be effectively addressed through the body, just as much as through the mind. Here’s what I mean. Fear shows up as a parasympathetic response in the body, so it CAN be calmed through the body. You can also teach a child to calm their heart racing, tummy aching or jaw clenching by using “steel and spaghetti”. This is a kid’s version of progressive muscle relaxation to help the child “squeeze out” any worries in the body.
The basic approach is that you start at your head and work your way to the opposite end of the body with moments of squeezing 1 muscle group for 5 seconds (while taking a breath in), and then relaxing the muscle group over 5 seconds (while you exhale).
Discuss Sleeping During the Day and Prepare Your Child to Sleep Alone
If you know your child is afraid to sleep alone at night, take time during the day to make a plan with them. Some shows that make the night seem less scary are Daniel’s First Sleepover episode (Daniel Tiger – PBS Kids). This episode mentions a shadow and Daniel shines his flashlight. Emphasizes a song that says “See what it is, you might feel better.” Another one is “Nighttime in the Neighborhood” (Daniel Tiger – PBS Kids) where Daniel and his family walk to the library at night and point out the neat sounds they hear. The book “The Very Lonely Firefly” is another option, it talks about beautiful things at night.
Discuss what things you can do to prepare them for sleep (as listed above, giving them a sense of control) and teach them how to calm their mind. Doing this during the day, making a plan, will help your child feel more prepared and in control when it is bedtime.
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