Episode 154 | Sustainable Parenting | Flora McCormick, LCPC

0:00 Parenting Lessons From Animals
0:30 Welcome To Sustainable Parenting
0:49 Listener Shoutout And How To Reach Me
1:27 The Story Behind The Insight
1:57 Defining The Let Them Method
4:15 Puppy Training And Disengaging
6:03 A Teen Learns Through Silence
7:44 Actions Teach More Than Lectures
8:54 How To Try Let Them
10:12 Support Options And Closing

Stop Backtalk with the “Let Them” method

When kids talk back, many of us swing between overly gentle parenting that feels like pleading and overly harsh discipline that turns into lectures or frankly back-talking BACK to the child. The result is everyone feeling angry and bossed around, and a home that feels tense and distant. The core skill in this conversation is shifting from anger to evidenced behavior-changing strategies.

The “Let Them” Method (Parent Version)

Mel Robbins introduced a simple but powerful idea: “Focusing on what you can’t control makes you stressed. Focusing on what you can control makes you powerful.” That idea lands hard in parenting because so much of our exhaustion comes from trying to control things we simply cannot control—our child’s tone, attitude, eye roll, muttering under their breath, or dramatic sigh worthy of an Oscar award.

The truth is that we cannot force those things away. We cannot control our child’s words any more than we can force a toddler not to be disappointed about leaving the playground. But we can control our response. Instead of immediately moving to “How DARE you talk to me like that?” we can try a different mindset: Okay…let them.

Now hold on—this does not mean permissive parenting or allowing kids to run the house. It means letting them try the immature strategy while also letting it become completely ineffective. Let them try the eye roll. Let them be snappy. Let them try demanding. And then let that approach lead nowhere.

Kids Often Aren’t Often Aware of Their Backtalk

Stay with me here, because this part matters. Most children are not waking up in the morning thinking, Today I will destroy family harmony. More often, they are thinking, I want something and my stressed little brain is using the only strategy I can access right now.

Kids are frequently lacking skills around frustration tolerance, flexibility, emotional regulation, communication, and problem-solving. That does not make rude behavior okay. It simply shifts our question from How do I stop this behavior right now? to What is my child having a hard time with?

That shift changes everything. Because when we stop viewing our child as disrespectful and start seeing a child struggling with a skill, our response naturally changes too.

Why Attention Accidentally Fuels Backtalk

There is a principle in behaviorism that says behaviors that receive reinforcement often continue. Attention itself can become reinforcement. In other words, what we repeatedly respond to with our biggest emotional energy can accidentally grow stronger.

Parents do this all the time—and with very loving intentions. We think, I need to teach the lesson right now. So we launch into explanations: “You don’t speak that way.” “You need to show respect.” “Let me explain why…” Five minutes later we are exhausted and our child is upside down on the couch making fart noises.

Meanwhile, they received our biggest reaction and our biggest emotional energy.

Even negative attention can still feel rewarding. Behavioral psychologist B. F. Skinner showed that behavior followed by reinforcement becomes more likely to happen again. Sometimes that reinforcement is not praise or rewards. Sometimes it is simply engagement.

What “Let Them” Looks Like in Real Life

Imagine your teen says: “That’s stupid.”

The old pattern might sound like: “Excuse me? Don’t you dare talk to me like that…” followed by a seven-minute lecture nobody enjoys.

The new pattern might look very different. Pause. Neutral face. A simple “Hmm.” No arguing. No chasing. No convincing. Then wait.

Because something interesting often happens: kids frequently know better. They simply need a moment to access the skill. Many children recalibrate and come back with something like, “I just mean I don’t want to do that.”

Now we engage.

“Ohhh. Okay. Tell me more.”

The attention turns on the moment respectful communication appears. That lesson often lands much faster than a lecture because it is experienced rather than explained.

This Is Not Ignoring Your Child

Many parents hear this idea and immediately worry: Won’t my child feel ignored? That fear makes complete sense. This is not emotional abandonment. This is not “good luck with your feelings.”

Feelings are welcome. Frustration is welcome. Anger is welcome. Disappointment is welcome. As I often say: All feelings are allowed. Some actions are limited.

You can absolutely say, “Wow, you really wish I said yes.” Or “You are upset.” Or “You’re frustrated.” You can support the feeling while calmly refusing to dance with disrespectful delivery.

The message becomes: You can absolutely be upset. And rude communication is not going to move things forward.

Why This Works

Mel Robbins also says, “The moment you say ‘Let Them,’ you take your power back.” Parenting becomes exhausting when we spend enormous amounts of energy trying to control things outside our lane. But when we stop trying to force respect and instead calmly shape what works, we often notice something surprising: we feel calmer too.

Children begin learning that respectful communication gets connection, problem-solving, attention, and movement forward. Back talk gets nowhere.

Over time, that often creates what many parents deeply want: fewer power struggles, less yelling, more cooperation, and a calmer home. Maybe most importantly, it creates a parent who no longer ends the day wondering, Why am I so exhausted?

The next time back talk shows up, pause and think: Let them. Let them try the ineffective strategy. And let you stay steady.

Because you do not have to attend every argument you’re invited to.

Sometimes the strongest parenting move is talking less and letting the lesson speak louder than the lecture.

If you’d like more personalized guidance, contact Flora today.