Parenting toddlers is full of tender moments and unexpected challenges. Those early years—ages two to four—are a time when little ones are exploring their world, asserting their independence, and testing boundaries. This is when parents often find themselves trying to help their toddlers shift gears, from an activity they love to bedtime or a transition they find challenging. We might find ourselves wishing for that magical key that makes our little ones listen and cooperate more smoothly. Today, I’m excited to share my top three favorite strategies for navigating these moments, helping you connect with your toddler and encourage them to work with you. These tools can make a big difference in handling everything from stubborn behavior to sudden meltdowns, helping bring more cooperation and calm into your day-to-day. Let’s dive into the three tips that can make a world of difference in parenting toddlers.
3 Key Tools for Parenting Toddlers
1. Stop Talking About the Elephants
One of the best ways to guide toddlers without triggering resistance is to avoid focusing on the “don’ts.” This tip, which I like to call “stop talking about elephants,” helps shift our language in a way that toddlers can understand and respond to more easily. Imagine asking someone not to think of elephants. The first image that pops up is, of course, an elephant! This happens with toddlers, too.
When we say things like:
- “Don’t whine” – the child mainly hears, “Whine!”
- “Don’t throw that” – the child mainly hears, “Throw that.”
- “Why are you still playing?!” – the child mainly hears, “Playing.”
Try instead, to use words that say what you WANT them to do:
- “Please try again. How can you say that so I can hear you?”
- “We can play with the sand on the ground. Sand stays down.”
- “I wonder what you will play with in the bath first? Boats or cups?”
Redirecting their attention this way not only helps them cooperate but makes transitions a little more fun, and leads often to more speedy cooperation.
2. Lean into the “Dog Bite”
Picture a dog holding onto something firmly—if you pull back, the grip just tightens. But leaning into the bite can release the dog’s hold on your hand. For toddlers, this approach means stepping into their world when they’re really focused on something. When you engage with their strong opinions or reactions (rather than pulling in the opposite direction), you “loosen the grip” of the idea.
Here’s an example:
Instead of “stop talking about how you wish this car was blue!” Say, “Oh! You are thinking about what it would be like for this car to be blue. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could just wave a magic wand and make it blue?! Yeah. That WOULD be fun.”
By playfully joining in on their fantasy, you help release their grip on the idea. I know it’s very counter-intuitive, but trust me on this, it’s worth a try, and I think you will be stunned at what you see happen. This doesn’t mean you’re giving in; instead, you’re helping them work through their feelings and ideas by exploring them with curiosity. Leaning into the moment rather than resisting it can transform frustration into shared fantasy and playfulness, which often makes it easier for them to let go of their big wish or strong opinion.
3. Do the Red Light – Green Light
Now – I’m not talking about the game here. I’m talking about how important it is to talk about the “GREEN light” (what they CAN do), as much as you talk about the “RED light” (what you are saying they CAN’T do). A “red light” is a clear boundary, like putting away one set of toys before taking out another. When they resist, rather than focusing on consequences, we balance it with a “green light”—like saying what they CAN do as soon as the toys are picked up.
- At cleanup time: “Should we be use the bulldozers or dump trucks, to move the Magna-tiles to their bucket?” and “As soon as we have these cleaned up, we can get out the dinosaurs.” (repeat that phrase as many times as needed.
- If whining: “I can’t understand you when you whine, but I’d love to hear you say it this way. Let’s try that again.”
By pairing a firm, consistent boundary with a playful option, toddlers learn what to expect and how to participate. Over time, red light/green light boundaries bring structure while keeping things fun, allowing toddlers to understand and cooperate without feeling pushed.
Parenting toddlers is full of tender moments, and these three tools—avoiding “elephants,” leaning into big reactions, and balancing boundaries with red and green lights—can help bring more calm and connection into each day. Each tip is a way to understand their world and guide them toward cooperation in ways that feel natural and engaging. By gently shifting how we respond, we’re not only supporting their behavior but also creating a foundation of trust and connection. Toddlers love feeling seen, and they respond well when choices are simple and positive. With these small changes, moments of tension can turn into opportunities for discovery and growth. Next time a challenging moment arises, try one of these tips, and notice how it brings a little more ease and joy into your time together. With patience and practice, even the busiest toddler days can be filled with more smiles and connection.
If you’d like more personalized guidance, contact Flora today.
