Q. How do you keep your cool, as a parent, when working to change your child’s behavior, like not listening?
Thank you for this honest and vulnerable question. I want to offer a suggestion on how to keep your cool as a parent that’s a bit different from the usual, “Pause and take a breath.” When our kids aren’t listening, it can push so many buttons:
Embarrassment – thinking, “Why is he doing this to me, in front of all these people?!”,
Disappointment – thinking, “Why doesn’t he/she seem to care about what I’m saying?” or
Overwhelm – thinking, “Why can’t he change?”
As parents these feelings can actually be the result of the thinking that is tied to them. When you stay stuck in asking “Why?” (either in your head or out loud), you are in a very powerless stance. That stance is focused on blame and shame, and without a powerful solution-focused stance, you’re more likely to loose your cool each time behaviors happen.
Instead, I recommend finding ways to shift your “Why….” into a “What…”:
- What skills is my child lacking, and what can I do to build those skills in her?
- What boundaries may need to be more clear/consistent?
- What haven’t I tried yet (that may be out of my comfort zone)?
- What will I do…instead of what will I MAKE my child do? (ie. How can I follow-through on removing technology if it’s not used respectfully and turned off when I ask)?
When you take a more solution-focused stance with the problem, and find ways to focus on what you CAN control (which is you, your household’s technology, the rides to special things, the access to privileges, the freedom to play after the chore is done, etc…), then you are in a power-stance. It’s not about having an iron fist. It’s focusing more on creating new solutions, so you feel more empowered and equipped when those challenging moments come up. And that empowered feeling can have you keeping your cool, without any effort. I see it happen weekly!
If you’re looking for ways to get more effective parenting strategies & support, there are many parenting resources in the community that can equip and empower you on this journey of parenthood. Many are included right here in MT Parent.
Click here to view the full magazine article Montana Parent.
Or, if you’d like more personalized guidance, contact Flora today.