Episode 96 | Sustainable Parenting | Flora McCormick, LCPC

0:02 – Solving Siblings’ Fairness Fights Emotionally
9:01 – Parenting With Uniquely Focused Love

How to Keep the Peace when Siblings Fight Over Fairness

If you’ve ever heard your child say, “That’s not fair!”—you’re not alone. Siblings fight over fairness come up all the time in families. Whether it’s about who got the bigger slice of cake, whose turn it is to pick a show, or who gets more of your time, these moments can bring up big feelings.

It’s easy to want to fix things by making everything equal. But trying to keep things perfectly fair often leads to more frustration, not less. When kids start focusing on fairness, it can turn into a habit of keeping score—counting every little thing to make sure everything is even. Instead of bringing peace, it can actually cause more arguments. There’s a different way to handle this that helps kids feel more secure and connected. Instead of solving the fairness, we can focus on the feelings underneath it.

Solve the Feeling, Not the Fairness

It’s natural to want to make things fair between siblings, but focusing too much on fairness can actually make things harder. When kids believe everything has to be equal, they start paying close attention to what their sibling gets, which can lead to more frustration. A different approach is to focus on solving the upset feeling by saying something like, “I love you so much, and I’m always here for you,” instead of “Ok. I’ll hold you on my lap for 5 min. after I’m done holding brother for 5 min.” When parents shift the focus away from keeping things exactly even, research shows they tend to be less demanding and upset about things being equal.

Validate & Support Your Child’s Feelings

When fairness becomes a big deal, the N.I.P. process can help kids feel heard and understood. Here’s how it works:

1. N – Name the feeling

Start by noticing what’s going on: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated.” Naming the feeling helps kids feel understood and can make the emotions feel less overwhelming.

2. I – I’m listening

Give them space to share what’s on their mind. Fairness worries are often about more than just the situation—it can be about wanting to feel valued and included. Instead of brushing it off, try asking, “Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?”

3. P – Problem-solve or pivot

Instead of fixing the fairness, focus on helping them fix the feeling of sadness or anger. “How can we make this better? (without a change in the thing that felt unfair).” A hug, a reminder of how much they’re loved, or a few statements of validating can go a long way to tame the upset.  And if that doesn’t fully resolve the moment – a fun pivot onto something else can help. Ie. “Want to come help me in the kitchen with peeling the carrots?” can help shift their focus in a way that involves the child usefully.

Talk about Bucket Dumping

With this book in hand, you can have a great conversation with your kids about what is missing in their bucket, when they are so focused on fairness.  In some cases this discussion may uncover your child feeling that his sibling is seen as “better” and that makes him mad/sad.  In that case – in may be a good wake-up call to be sure you aren’t comparing the children’s behaviors or causing competition between them that decreases their sense of self-esteem.

It’s my hope that these 3 steps can help your kids move past fairness struggles and feel more secure in their relationship with you. When they feel truly seen and valued, there’s less need to compare what they’re getting to what their sibling has.  As they say in Positive Discipline, “Kids who feel good, do good.” (Lynn Lott & Jane Nelsen)

If you’d like more personalized guidance, contact Flora today.

*This article was originally published in Montana Parent Magazine.