What do I do when I just don’t GET what is wrong with my kid, or it’s something that seems so silly. She can get so irrationally upset about the smallest thing and no matter what I do she has a hard time moving on.
When kids are crabby or complaining, it can be tough to know what to do, especially when their emotions seem over the top. Whether your toddler is melting down over a lost toy or your elementary schooler is upset about something that happened with a friend at recess, this is actually an opportunity to step back and consider if your child is really just needing one of the “3 H’s”. These simple yet powerful steps can bring a sense of calm to a moment that otherwise feels out of control. The Three H’s—Heard, Hugged, and Helped—are gentle ways to support your child through big emotions and offer the space for your child to get back into their solution-focused brain.
The Three H’s Your child may need to be:
1. Heard
When kids are crabby, frustrated, or emotional, their reactions can sometimes seem irrational to us. It’s easy to respond with logic or try to explain away their feelings, but that usually doesn’t work, right? How many times have you found yourself crafting the best REASONS for your child to not need to be upset – only to be met with more resistance, crying, etc. What can make a real difference is simply acknowledging what the child is experiencing. A simple catch-phrase my clients love for this: “We name it to tame it.”
DROP:
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “Just don’t be friends with that girl anymore.”
- “You are being ridiculous. You can’t always have things how you want them.”
- “Don’t you say I’m a mean mom. I allowed to tell you ‘No’.”
- “Calm down!”
Replace it with:
- “I can see you’re really frustrated about losing that toy.” (pause. Listen.)
- “sound like her words made you really sad. Tell me more about that.” (pause. Listen.)
- “I can hear that this is a really big deal to you right now. It’s hard when things don’t go the way you were expecting.” (pause. Listen.)
- “You seem super upset that I said No. You really disagree with me.” (pause. Listen.)
- “Boy you have some big feelings about that. I’m listening.” (pause. Listen.)
2. Hugged
The second H is giving your child a hug when they’re crabby or upset. A 30-second silent hug can work wonders in shifting their mood. Sometimes, kids hold it together all day at school, only to fall apart when they get home, (which we call the “after-school restraint collapse.” In those moments, words might not be enough to soothe them. Instead, a long, warm hug can create a feeling of safety and connection. It will give him the space to calm down, allowing him to reconnect before addressing the problem. Remember, the hug is not about forcing connection, but about offering comfort when words aren’t seeming to be the right fit for calming the upset.
3. Helped
While it’s tempting to jump in and offer solutions right away, it’s often best to start with listening or hugging before offering help. Once their emotions have settled, ask them if they want some ideas or if they just need you to keep listening. This approach shows your child that you’re there for them, but you’re not pushing advice if they’re not ready to hear it. Asking for permission to help—whether with ideas on handling a situation or just a listening ear—can be empowering for children. Giving kids the option to choose when they’re ready for help fosters independence and emotional intelligence.
These small steps build connection and help calm the situation without needing to solve everything right away. By listening and offering comfort, you’re showing your child they’re supported in their emotions. Over time, these moments will strengthen your relationship and help your child feel secure in expressing how they feel. Remember, your presence and care are powerful in helping them through tough moments.
If you’d like more personalized guidance, contact Flora today.
