How to calm a 4-year-old meltdown

What do I do when my 4-year-old has a meltdown or starts demanding things in public? It’s so embarrassing to think of it happening that I’ve started avoiding taking him places (like Target for sure!). But with the Fall holidays coming up, I want to be able to take him to Pumpkin patch, and Christmas stroll, etc.

If you’re anything like me, parenting a 4-year-old can feel like you’re parenting Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. One moment your child is so sweet and adventurous and saying the funniest thing…while the next minute they are clingy/demanding/sobbing for what feels like “no reason”. Here are some key tools to calm the chaos, quickly.

Key Tools to Calm a Meltdown

1. Understand the Science of a 4-year old

Erikson’s stages of human development categorize a 3-5 year old in the stage of figuring out “Initiative vs. Guilt”. What that means is that tons of research tells us it is normal and important for kids at this age to be exploring how they can exert power and control over the world through play and social interactions. If the child is met with encouragement and ways to feel powerful in a socially positive way, they will begin to have more and more independence. If they are met with frustration and control (by adults around them), they develop feelings of guilt (feeling bad or embarrassed that they couldn’t complete a task how they wanted to.)

So, what can we do? Look for ways to encourage more positive initiative in your child, to prevent the upset/melt-downs:

Make agreements in advance. In the parking lot of the store, review the expectations of walking with calm feet, not buying anything besides the 5 items on your list, and the plan that if they find cool toys they like – you are happy to put those on their Amazon wish list for the holidays.
Catch them doing things well: “Thank you for coming over calmly when I asked you to keep your hands on the cart.”
Be clear about when-then’s: “When we do a good job with all the agreements we discussed, we will be able to do trips to Target together. When we don’t, that shows me you may not be ready for this.” Or “When you do a good job with these agreements, we will go to the park after. When we don’t, we won’t.”

2. When the meltdowns start – Connect before you Correct

Picture a moment at Target where you find yourself on the 10^th round of saying – “I have told you to stop yelling, and stop grabbing things. Why can’t you listen?”

Instead of repeating to 1 more correction, try this:

Pull the child in close and pause. “Let’s take a breath and hug for just a moment.” Take time for a 15-30 sec. silent hug.
Name the challenge: “Buddy, I noticed you’re having a hard time with this shopping trip. There are so many exciting things, aren’t there?” or “I bet it feels fun to be in these big isles, and they look good for running.” These small gestures lay the foundation for trust and cooperation.
Redirect:
- If your child has the wiggles – give an outlet for wiggles: Let’s take a moment and stomp all our wiggles out, so we can walk slowly again.
- If your child isn’t managing freedom well, set limits (with a vibe focused on choices): “I notice it’s just feeling too hard to walk with slow feet, so if I see your feet starting to get fast 1 more time, I’ll help you into the cart, to sit instead for the rest of the shopping time. Do you want to choose to walk calm, or have me help you into sitting in the cart?”
- Redirect his thoughts, with a question: “Can you remind me – what do we need to do to go to the park after. Do you remember what we talked about before we came in the store?”

3. Be willing to take a break to Reset

If he begins to try to run from you or begins screaming, I recommend a bench or bathroom as a great place for a “reset” break. For more info on resets (and how they are way different from time-outs), check out Episode 37 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast.

Amidst the moments of chaos and clamor of parenting a 4-year-old, let’s remember this is actually a really special age and stage. Those around the age of being a “three-nager” are navigating a world of wonder and discovery, and it’s our privilege to guide them with love and compassion. So, let’s lean into connection, sprinkle a little curiosity and playfulness into our days, and celebrate the ways our littles help us to grow.